Thursday, March 02, 2006

first holidays

october brought halloween and with halloween new challenges. i bought really cute pumpkin costumes online, jack-o-lanterns with little caps with a stem. when they arrived many weeks before halloween the kids were very excited to try them on but it was too hot to keep them on. by the time i took them out again, nearer to halloween, only our daughter was interested. our son kept saying it was too hot. so on the day of the school halloween parade i arrived at school to find the playground jammed with parents and kids in costumes. and there was my partner holding both kids, neither in costume. they were freaked out by all the people in the play area and neither of us could get them to put on their costumes. so we decided it was best just to go home. that night we took them trick or treating down our street. our daughter was okay with wearing the costume but our son still didn’t want to... until he realized there was candy involved! but by that time we were back home.
the kids began speech classes in october too. they had been tested the month before and they were only developmentally behind in speech. they started classes once a week through the school district. we had to drop off and pick them up before they went to preschool.
in november we signed the pre-adoption paperwork. the social worker wanted to get a head start due to the upcoming holiday slowdown. the kids had to live with us as foster children for 6 months before the adoption process could begin. that wouldn’t be until january of 2005, when the court date could be scheduled. i used one of our thanksgiving photos to design our holiday card. i wanted all 4 of us to be in it. i did the same thing again thanksgiving 2005 for our last holiday card. my partner thinks it should just be the kids but i always liked receiving cards that include the entire family, after all, our family isn’t just the kids.

our first christmas together was overwhelming. we weren’t sure what the kids knew about christmas and santa or what their past christmases had been like. we bought a video camera to tape the big day. we went overboard too, much like their first birthday with us. presents spilled over the floor. we wrapped so many that by the end we just decided to leave some unwrapped. we used different paper for each of them and they took turns opening. but much like their birthday, they would get very absorbed in one present and not want to open any more. halfway through our son would almost ignore clothes that he got in favor of more fun stuff.

i often wonder what it would be like if we got them when they were just babies. how they would be different. they, like so many children, are so resilient, so happy despite what life has dealt them. sure they have their moments, but don’t we all, no matter who raised us or what kind of job they did.

birth mother

before the birth mother’s rights were due to be terminated in september she was allowed a visit with the kids. she had only visited them once in their 13 months in foster care. she had monthly visits scheduled but missed them. we brought the kids for a meeting with her in the summer but she arrived so late that we had already been instructed to take the kids home. the county workers felt she should be allowed her one visit so that the court would not decide to mandate it before her termination hearing. i had already gone back to work so my partner took them for the visit. the worker waited until the mother arrived before calling him to make the trip. during the visit he brought a camera for photos to be taken. we wanted to keep them for later in life to show our kids their birth mother. my partner was very nervous. the social worker almost called off the meeting when our son went limp and didn’t want to be held by his birth mother. he calmed down and both kids played in the room with her while being supervised by the social worker. my partner waited outside. when the visit was over the kids were very confused. they didn’t want to go to my partner and cried when they were placed in their car seats. they calmed down after about half an hour but for the next few days we saw their behavior regress, crying and acting out. the social worker made note of their behavior for the court documents. a few weeks later we were on pins and needles until we got the call that the mother’s rights had been terminated.

preschool

we needed to find a preschool for september, when we would both be back at work. the public schools would overlook the waiting list because the kids were foster children but wouldn’t take 3 year olds that weren’t potty trained. our daughter had already begun potty training at her last foster home. she had a few accidents at our house but quickly got back on track with lots or praise from us. i read anything i can get my eyes on about raising kids… online, magazines, books, other parents, anything… so we first began giving candy as a prize for going potty but soon read that praising the child is better, and they’re not equating sweets with success. so she moved from diapers quickly, during the day. our son was a different animal, as we had heard that boys are! it took a long time for him to “get it.” one thing that helped both kids was the potty power dvd. it was recommended and the kids love it. now that they’ve outgrown it i’ve passed it along to a friend. so we had to stop looking for public pre-schools and look at private ones. luckily, we found a great school that would potty train our son when he was ready, and they had 2 openings for september. my partner took them to preschool the week before they started for a few hours each day, to get accustomed to the teachers, rules and surroundings. we thought it best to have them in separate, adjoining classrooms since our daughter seemed to help her brother a lot. we wanted him to gain his own sense of self and independence.
they both liked school very much. we usually took turns dropping them off at about 8:30 and picking them up around 5. it took our daughter a little while to get used to eating all her lunch and taking her naps (she thought she’d miss something). she also had a problem realizing that all the toys or snacks weren’t just for her. she would sweep everything up in her arms so no one else could have any. she would also eat food off the floor. all habits she overcame in time. our son had to go back to wearing pull ups. his potty training was improving but he wouldn’t tell anyone he had to go. sometimes he’d just go in his pants on the playground and continue playing, other times teachers would find him at the toilet with his pants down after he’d already gone in his pants. around that time I began trimming his hair too. he usually cried. we bought professional clippers but the vibration seemed to bother (or annoy) him. he’s much better now and loves the attention when anyone notices his new haircut! around this time they had their first field trip with school. we both took the day off to attend the trip to a local fire station. pictures we have are a bit strange. the kids look almost apprehensive. we don’t know what was going on in their minds but thought that maybe they thought it was another adoption picnic. they hated waiting in line to sit in the fire engine and our son had several time outs while we were there.
we found that we missed them during the day while we where at work and they were at preschool. we had a special photo book made of their birthday party that they took to school for sharing day. the teachers told us they loved showing the other kids. they had great teachers too, though our daughter’s teacher was in her first year and very lenient. she got firmer as time went on. our daughter will try to get away with as much as she can, so a firm example works best for her. she is a magnet to creative projects and tends to wear them well! so many times she had changed clothes at school because of water play, or she would be covered in paint or marker. our son’s teacher was a 12 year veteran. she was perfect for him. and he loved her. sadly she left mid-year. but he did find another favorite teacher, who was the co-teacher of his class. he’s always been great at circle time, he loves to listen to stories and participate. he’ll also play endlessly with trains or cars or plastic animals. learning to share them with schoolmates was his issue to overcome.
we were really pleased with our school choice. our relatives loved it too when they visited. and the kid’s social worker was very happy with their progress on her visits to school and discussions with their teachers.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

big 3

my gift to you both on your 3rd birthday is a life filled with love from daddy and me – happiness – love – lots of hugs – and having a world of opportunities to grow to be happy, loving people.
I almost starting crying when everyone was singing “happy birthday” to my babies – you two are the most important people in daddy’s and my life and we are so happy to have such beautiful, wonderful children.
we wanted to celebrate “the big 3” for 3 important reasons: 1) our new family, 2) our newly renovated home and 3) most important of all, the kid’s 3rd birthday. we had 37 guests and so many presents. the kids were so absorbed with the first gift they opened that it was difficult to get them to open any more. so we finally began opening them! our daughter looked like a princess in her long white dress and new shoes. and I received several compliments on how nice her hair turned out. the kid’s social worker was thrilled with the turnout and the love and support we have from friends, family and neighbors. our daughter’s favorite gift was her “first purse.” she played with it all day, especially because it had a fake cell phone. she was frantic the next day when she lost the phone; we had to search the entire house to find it. our son was dressed in new clothes too. his favorite toy was a farmer’s tractor.
we had the food catered and rented tables and chairs and bought 100 balloons! everyone had a great time. we only scheduled 3 hours, even that was stretching their attention span. it was fun and fulfilling to show off “our” kids. to share with our friends and families what we had done and to see how beautiful they were. we’ve already celebrated their 4th birthday too but we decided to keep it low key, like birthdays we remember growing up… a few friends and family and cake and ice cream. there seems to be a trend with the kid’s classmates to invite the entire class and celebrate at a children’s gym or farm but we figure we’ll save those parties for later and just enjoy these few birthdays with those close to us nearby.